Guilt as a Victim of Cyber Grooming

There is an entire library of nude pictures of me online, somewhere in a deep recess of the internet. I didn’t do a very good job of hiding my identity in them. They could resurface and ruin my life any day, leaving me only with the option of killing myself to avoid the shame.

I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew his plans, that he was going to manipulate me into breaking my boundaries, I knew that I’d probably regret what I did years down the road. I did it anyway.

I’m at that point now. I had the hindsight to know what I was doing, but I went against my better instincts because being told I was sexy when I thought of myself as utterly ugly and unlovable caused my brain to short circuit.

While rationally I know that I shouldn’t frame what happened as my fault, I was still eagerly begging to be abused. I was not manipulated, I was fine with adults using me for sexual gain; more than fine, I got off on it.

It was his responsibility to stop me from talking to him. To tell me to fuck off and stop all communication. He was the adult, I was 13. But couldn’t I have done more? I could have closed the chat any day, but I didn’t. It took me an entire year to wake up from this trance and realize what I did.

This is something that will stay with me. I can try to grow as a person as much as I want, the truth is I will always remain a filthy and self-destructive whore.